Death By Orange Theory

After viewing perfect pictures of paradise from my runcation, that were marred only by too much of me, I am on a new quest to lose some weight. It’s actually an old quest that has been reincarnated over and over again. Upon yesterday’s epiphany, I decided that it was time buckle down and get my stuff together. However, since global warming has suddenly reneged, it is fahreezing outside. So, I decided that I would sign up for an Orange Theory class. I have been a member of Orange Theory Fitness for three months now, but have only been attending classes sporadically because my butt gets kicked every time. But a butt kicking is what I need. So I picked up my phone and clicked the trusty app only to find that I could only get on the waitlist for the 8:15 class in the morning. It would have to do. As the day wore on I became secretly thankful that I had been closed out of the class because Orange Theory was seeming like too much work … hahahaha, I’ll just have to settle for a treadmill run. Who am I kidding? If I made it to the mill at all, I’d be walking.

I checked my phone at 10:30 p.m. Crikey, there was an email from Orange Theory informing me that I had a spot in the class. Yikes!

So this morning, I dragged myself out of bed and headed to Orange Theory like a lamb to the slaughter. I’m being a little melodramatic, it’s not that bad.

Fast forward to 20 minutes into the class. I am dying. NO. I think I am actually dead. Really! Let me explain.

Orange Theory has different workouts every day but they all involve high intensity interval training that consists of a treadmill, water rower and weight room workout. You measure the intensity of your workout with a heart rate monitor that you purchase from Orange Theory. There are five zones, grey, blue, green, orange and red. The idea is to push into the orange zone (84 to 91% of your maximum heart rate) for short intervals during the one hour workout. The theory is that time in the orange zone will ramp up your metabolic rate and it is recommended that you accumulate 12 to 20 minutes in the orange zone. Your orange and red zone minutes are added up at the end of the workout and are called Splat Points. Your zones are accessible on a large screen during your workout and are emailed to you at the conclusion of the session.

Back to my demise. Today’s treadmill workout had us running the intervals on an incline. Yes, HILLS. The treadmill workouts are done at three paces:

Base Pace – Warm up/cool down;

Push Pace – Getting your good workout on;

All Out – Just make it stop, NOW.

So they had us running our push pace on 3%, 4% and 5% inclines. Now the thing about the treadmill is that you cannot slow down without making a conscious decision to wuss out and hit the down arrow. So you thug it out and keep your pace.

As I was thugging it on a 5% incline I looked at the screen and it had me in the red zone at 128%. NOOOOOO! The red zone is supposed to be from 92% to 100%. I may not survive this workout! I freaked out and reduced my speed and hoped no one would make the connection between me and the 128 on the board. Yes, I wussed out. There was no need to be a hero. But this is not when I died.

As I staggered over to the row machine from the treadmill, my row machine neighbor asked me if I was okay. I was looking that good. I shrugged it off and got to rowing. I looked at the screen. That thing was registering my heart rate at zero. ZERO. For a fleeting moment I thought I was dead. Dead and clearly gone south of the border because surely there are no row machines and orange lighting in heaven. Right? Then I snapped out off it and fiddled with my heart rate monitor and my box on the screen changed from grey to blue. Thank God, I’m alive.

I will spare you the details of the weight room. Just believe me when I tell you it was bad.

Don’t try this at home kids. There was way too much red.